Don't Ask, Don't Tell: I'm telling about David.
David was a very fit, clean cut and attractive young man in his early twenties. He was a bit shorter than average height and he was gay. David was among the many people I met during the first couple of years after I had come out and discovered an entirely new world. Those sparkling pre-AIDS years of optimism and unfolding grand possibilities. David grew up in a small town in Wisconsin. When I met him he was living in a little studio apartment at the back of an older house.
David had been raised by his grandmother. From what David told me, his mother was an alcoholic and had gradually descended into the depths of that disease and eventually was confined to an institution. I don't remember David telling me anything about his father, so it may be he knew nothing of his dad. When David's mother no longer had the ability to care for him, David was sent to live with his grandmother. From what David told me, his grandmother was very strict and dished out very definite instructions as to how he should behave. The more David told me, the more I began to read between the lines and I began to wonder if his grandmother's disapproving nature may have been one of the reasons for David's mother's alcoholism.
Grandmother's strict, controlling approach to child raising had a profound influence on David, who had developed an irritating tendency at times to channel his grandmother. In other words, at times David would become his grandmother in terms of his attitudes and behavior, things ranging from insisting on doilies on furniture to how to behave in social situations. This could be quite a surprise to guys who thought they were going on a date with David and suddenly found themselves with David's grandmother instead. I had an experience with grandmother when I took David to a summer festival where there was an outdoor concert featuring a big name act of the time, like Gladys Knight and the Pips or whoever. There were quite a number of black people in the audience and David, (actually his grandmother) began to voice dislike of black folk in general with some very unfortunate (understatement) and very out loud verbalizations. A lot of heads began to turn and I finally had to pull David out of there and try to explain to him that what he had been doing was very inappropriate and how hurtful the things he was saying were to the people around him. I told him that his grandmother's attitudes about race were just plain wrong, though it seemed that David could not allow himself to question his grandmother's attitudes. Regarding grandma's attitudes, I began to wonder if she had been the grand wizard of the local Ku Klux Klan. Though, in grandmother's defense, she was probably a product of her time, and lots of the good ol' gals from those little towns held the same attitudes. (More recently, during my last days in corporate America in the 1990s, some younger white female co-workers were apparently unaware of the civil rights movement in that they would use the "N" word without a second thought - so that sort of stuff is still floating around.) However, I also noticed that the longer David was away from the house he was raised in and the more people he met, his attitudes and behavior were gradually changing, as he became more of his own person and less his grandmother.
David was occasionally referred to as "nelly", a term which meant effeminate, and yes, he could be nelly at times. Sometimes David could be VERY nelly.
The other interesting thing about David is that he had been a Marine. Yes, the USMC, Marine type corps. Everyone who knew David seemed to find that totally amazing. You see, as David explained it to me, at some point grandmother began to become aware of David's behavior and decided he needed some butching up and had him enlist in the Marines. (I imagine that grandmother suddenly realized how effective she had been in making David over into an image of herself - though I believe the gay part had already come as factory installed when David was born.)
David enlisted in the Marines and went to basic training. I believe David had been in the Marines in the early to mid 70s, at a time when recruitment was down because of the Vietnam War and the military was happy to get whoever they could get. From what David told me, the marines regarded him with a bit of amusement, but other than that, didn't bother him that much. Except in basic training. I guess the drill instructor intended to have a little fun with David and would work him a little harder than the other guys. However -- one thing about David -- he had a cardio/pulmonary system of steel. If the D.I. sent David to run a few miles, David could do it and still be able to run a few miles more if they wanted him to. The D.I. then decided that if a little nelly like David could put out physically the way he did, then the other recruits should be able to do the same. Most of the other men couldn't and some of the bigger guys were in serious distress in trying to keep up with David. So, finally to keep peace, the D.I. would just send David off on a run while the bigger guys would exercise at a slower pace.
David completed his stay in the Marines and had his veterans benefits and later, I was told, got a loan to start a small business. Regarding the Marines, I believe they are still around, in spite of David having served. Was there an outbreak of homosexuality in the Marine corps so that they are all now gay? No, that didn't happen either. I imagine David's recruits might have even ended up with an aversion to gay men (Oh gawd - those gay guys will make you run and run - they just won't stop even though your lungs are exploding!) Did the top brass in the Marines end up with nervous breakdowns because David served? Probably not, they may not have even been aware that David had been around.
********
Some years later I moved to Colorado Springs, where nearly every gay person I met was in the military, because outside of the military there just wasn't that much commerce going on in that town at the time. I always wondered why gay folks would want to get in the military, because why place yourself in a hostile environment? So I asked. The answers - a lot of gay folk enlisted because they had few other employment options, came from lower income families and enlisted to take advantage of training and education opportunities. Veteran's benefits are also an enticement for joining. I met a few officers who came from military families and it was expected of them to pursue a military career. The officer type guys loved their jobs, for some reason it did seem to be in their blood.
The gay people I came to know related that they were able to function well in the military except for the occasional witch hunts. It was a matter of keeping a low profile though sometimes that didn't matter during a witch hunt, which would come and go in spurts for no apparent reason. There were those who were able to function in the military without being harassed what so ever. I knew of a lesbian couple who met in the military and I went to visit with them at the house of their commanding officer, where they were house sitting while the officer and his wife were on vacation. The officer and his wife knew about their relationship and apparently had no problem with it.
In later years, I met people who had been thrown out of the military for being gay, often in a cruel manner, being put on display and made fun of. To the letter, the people who were dismissed had outstanding records of performance. In all cases, the individuals had been very quiet about their personal lives, only to be fingered by an informant.
I've also worked many years in defense related industries and saw how related the private sector is the military. The military utilizes a great chunk of the nation's budget and the military industrial complex has its tentacles in just about everything. So, IMHO, it's difficult for me to understand how an all encompassing entity like the Pentagon can decide it is an exclusive club with membership to a certain group not allowed. To me, that's like saying a very expansive part of the government is forbidden to parts of the citizenry.
While being part of the military was never my cup of tea, the military is sort of the like the big elephant in the elevator, it can not be ignored, it is such a big part of the government. Allowing a huge part of the government to be anti-gay is not a good idea. As far as the military not being able to function because of a few gay soldiers -- I mean, give me a break, they can't be that wussie. The gay ones have already been there and were part of making the military function. I've noticed that regardless of the environment, people only have a problem with other people only when they are encouraged to have a problem. If people are encouraged not to have a problem with others, they find they can work together rather well.
The entire fuss about gays in the military is much ado about nothing, since the gays have already been there and doing their part, including David, by the way.
A vehicle I found parked in my neighborhood earlier in the year. (Click for larger view.)